No schedule, no expectations, just a place for creative attempts and the all the little things.
July 3, 2016
I've tried to write a blogpost multiple times in the past week but all of my words just feel heavy and wrong. The truth is that my soul is stirring again but in a language I do not understand. I recently looked at the future self I am always striving towards and realised she is no longer the person I want to be. I don't know enough about who I am to know who I wish to become.
There has been a lot of darkness interspersed with periods of light. Lows that were lower than I thought I could experience. Weeks filled with white noise and little else. There is a tall and unstable pile of books beside my bed which have only a couple of pages read each; my focus having fallen so greatly that I don't want to read those books as much as I wish I'd already finished them. I feel like I've been asleep, walking through fog, everything existing only on the outer edges of my consciousness.
I think I'm ever so slowly waking up into a world I have to rebuild from scratch. I don't know what that means or how to do it. I'm just trying to exist quietly inside each moment and learn from the days that just keep coming, trying to learn myself anew. Life seems so bizarre.
March 10, 2016
Disclaimer: This is going to be a long and winding blogpost so consider grabbing a cup of tea before beginning.
I've really not got the first clue of how to begin this so my apologies in advance for anything that doesn't make sense; these words are coming straight out of my mind and into this blogpost. Hence why it's not handwritten either, I doubt my pen could keep up.
To begin with you may be wondering why 4 new blogposts just appeared by me within minutes of each other, is my scheduled posting broken? Hardly. In fact it was working so well that my last post wasn't scheduled to go live until the beginning of April, a fact that has been weighing on my mind for over a month now. Because the truth is I've not created a new blogpost (excluding my February video) since January. Every post you've read since then was scheduled back when it seems I was on some sort of blogging marathon. I had originally intended to just let my scheduled posts run their course and then write this letter to you once my last one was published but I couldn't do it. I had something to say and I wanted to say it now, so I published the final lot of posts all at once in order to create a clean slate for this one.
I'm someone who likes lists and order so I tend to look at my life in a very systematic way. For me there are 5 categories between which I try to divide up my time and energy, they are (in no particular order):
5. Self Development
Since the beginning of the year I've had this nagging feeling at the back of my mind that where I allocate my time is all askew. It's not even as though one particular category is getting more attention than the others, rather it's almost as if there's a hole in these metaphorical buckets and over time I've lost the ability to contribute sufficiently to any of them. I don't know what it is that's draining me but I've come to the conclusion that I need to figure it out before progressing any further.
So I'm going back to "basics" and in order to do that I need to start from scratch and build myself back up again. I want to take the time to empty these buckets as much as I can (yes we're taking that metaphor and running with it) before filling them again little by little, but hopefully a bit more evenly this time. Obviously there's some things that I can't just start afresh on, if I just gave up working for a month or two I'd be in serious strife, but I'm starting from as near to the bottom as I can. In order to do that there are a few things I need to let go of (if only temporarily) and one of them is this blog.
It was a bit of a heartbreaking realisation to have, but the more I thought about it the more I realised that this blog as it stands right now is no longer a passion of mine (Oh it feels so horrible to even think that). These posts are beginning to feel like simply repetitions of a routine I've found that works for me, instead of the excitement I had to share something like it was in the early days. You can probably imagine how awful I felt after discovering this; like I just wanted to push that thought right back into the corners of my brain again to let it hide there a while longer. But alas, it had shown itself and I couldn't deny it; my blog had somewhere along the line started dragging me down instead of lifting me up.
So I'm taking a hiatus, and if I'm telling you the truth as this entire post finally is, then I cannot give you a time frame of how long this will be for. In all honesty it's not even a case of when I'll be back but if I'll be back. You have no idea how scary that is to put into words because I feel in some respects as if I'm letting each and every one of you down. You came here for my usually lively posts, not for entire self adjustments and then for me to just up and leave. If/when I do return I know this blog won't be the same again as the one I left it as and that's rather bittersweet.
In the meantime I intend to pursue new interests I've never let myself dabble in before. I want to draw and make art (no matter how horrible) and I really really want to write a collection of essays on the places my mind goes when it wanders. I can't do that if in the back of my mind is always the subconscious thought that I will need to share it. I want to reteach myself how to create for creations sake and not to just have it be seen.
That being said there is one single aspect of this blog which I am keeping, and that is my monthly videos. They will no longer be posted here however and will instead reside purely on my YouTube. I tried taking a break from them but it turns out I just like making them far too much.
I ought to stop here as this is nearing 1000 words but I just wanted to get this all out there and it feels so good to do so. If you've read all of this I am extremely grateful and thankyou sincerely for supporting my little blog. I still feel awfully guilty for leaving you guys, perhaps one day soon I'll reappear again and this will all just be a memory of "that one time Erin tried to leave her blog but couldn't"
Just because I'm leaving this blog for now doesn't mean I'm completely falling off the face of the earth. You're more than welcome to email me if you want to keep in contact and you'll still be able to find me updating my poetry on a regular basis. I'm simply taking a little time to reevaluate.
I had originally planned to take these photos outside but amongst the sweltering heat and my neighbour's gardener literally hanging over our fence I figured inside might be my best bet. I recently found the instagram account of Karla and my goodness am I obsessed with the retro style of her and her daughter Olive. The next day I melted in 38˚C heat in my tiny sewing room to make this suspender skirt which I am now in love with. I also made a video along the way so you can see a little of how I went about making it. Enjoy!
We're well into the year now and perhaps we've already watched some of our resolutions swirl their way down the drain, but I thought today I'd write about something that stuck after being a resolution 3 years ago: Keeping a journal! Here's 5 different kinds of journals you could consider keeping. Even if typical diary-writing isn't for you there's still countless other way to record who you were during a moment in time. Here's some ideas:
1. The typical "Diary"
This is the kind you think of when you hear the word "diary". You can use it to record the events of your day, how you felt and any interesting/important items you might collect during your daily adventures.
2. The 365 Journal
This one is not for the faint hearted! A 365 journal challenges you to an entry every day. These entries can be different things depending on your hobbies, such as a photo a day or drawing a day. This year I'm challenging myself to write a poem every day.
3. The Quote Journal
Here you can write down any quotes or ideas you may hear that strike your fancy. I actually use the one pictured for poem inspiration so not only do I write down quotes but also little snippets of poems I think of but don't have time to complete. I'd really recommend something like this for any writer because you can look through it whenever writer's block strikes to get inspiration.
4. The Bullet Journal
This is the time where I confess that I've not used the 2016 planner I made at all this year, because just before the year started I discovered the wonder that is bullet journalling. If you love making lists (me) and find it hard sticking to the confines of a pre-ruled planner then check out some blogs on bullet journalling!
4. The Thoughts Journal
You know those moments when you get hit by an intriguing thought about a certain topic? This is where I write down those thoughts. It's like a collection of short essays on any variety of things. This is where the first draft of a lot of my writing posts come from.
6. The Line a Day Journal
I'm excited by the prospect of finishing this journal and being able to look back on 5 years of my life neatly laid out. The idea behind this is to write only a tiny bit about each day, but there's room on every day for 5 years worth of memories.
So let me know what kind of journals you keep, I'm always interested in how other people record their lives!